February 19, 2004
Hey, here’s some good news: castration cures baldness.
Phew! And I thought I’d have to do something drastic when my hairline recedes behind my ears, like Rogaine or hairplugs. Now I just need to get neutered. What a relief!
The press release faxed to us here at the Star (and, very likely, every fax machine in the northern hemisphere) from Kevis of Beverly Hills begins with that eye-catching (and groin-quivering) headline, in capital letters: CASTRATION CURES BALDNESS.
They have my attention.
University researchers discovered that castration at age 16 will cure male pattern baldness.
Hold it. Am I screwed here? I passed 16 when Carter was in office. No fair! I don’t want to go bald! I want to get castrated!
Come to think of it, what kind of university would have its researchers making such a discovery? And who would volunteer to be a test subject? It damn well better be an elective.
While castration may be a cure, it is NOT commercially acceptable.
Oh sure. What does the FDA know? I bet they all have full heads of hair, with nary a comb-over in sight. They want to feel superior to the follically-challenged, so they’ll put the kibosh on any treatment for baldness.
But then I read on, and learn that the Kevin Hair Improvement Program does not entail an army of mad stylists roaming the countryside with lopping shears at the ready. Apparently, a bunch of Italian scientists, geniuses to the last person, discovered that a mutant form of the male sex hormone testosterone can be found on areas of the scalp where hair loss occurs. This hormone is accused of degenerating the hair-growing process and promoting baldness.
So the good people at Kevin got a U.S. patent for this goo with H.U.C.P. in it, and for those of you wondering what H.U.C.P. is, all I know is that it can be found in human sperm. Lovely. Wouldn’t the H.U.C.P. factory make for an enlightening and educational field trip?
The theory is that this goo penetrates existing hair follicles and prevents the deadly testosterone from wreaking havoc. Sort of like that scene in There’s Something About Mary, except that the substance is applied intentionally.
But since I wasn’t deprived of my maleness when I was 16 (hold it…let me check…yup, still there), this whole baldness cure is a moot point. Now, you tell me those crazy Italians have invented a time machine and can send me back to 1980, then we might have something.
Still, there would be a stumbling block. Nowhere on the Kevis website is a cost mentioned; however, in a press release, Kevin president Brian Reichenberg says, “It is expensive – the active ingredient costs over $44,000 per kilo.”
I’m in the wrong line of work.