There’s no limit to casino-related jobs

September 18, 2003

The more I think about it, the more I realize a casino would be good for Maine.

At first I was skeptical. That’s my nature. When the Think About It people claimed the proposed casino would create 10,000 new jobs, I thought about it and initially concluded that the bulk of those 10,000 jobs would be short-term construction gigs (not necessarily to be awarded to Mainers), leaving several thousand casino positions – the higher ones being given to professionals from Connecticut, New Jersey, and Vegas, with the remaining low-paying jobs possibly thrown to the locals.

I am so cynical. In my haste to portray the casino proponents as money-grubbing scumbuckets salivating over the prospect of bilking suckers out of their salaries and Social Security checks, I failed to consider the very real opportunities that will open up in the southern Maine job market. But now that I’ve mulled this thing over, I am ready to share my discoveries.

Hookers. We’re going to need lots of hookers. The casino is going to be loaded with weak-willed morons being plied with free liquor, which is bound to loosen not only their wallets but also their pants. And that’s where the hookers come in. Sure, we have a few trolling around here somewhere, but not nearly enough to satisfy the blurry desires a casino would inflame. With 875 rooms planned for the Two-Tribes-and-85-Lawyers Resort, and factoring in a 50-percent divorce rate (exacerbated by alcohol and scantily clad barmaids), we can safely project the need for 500 hookers a day; however, as hookers are renowned for their multi-tasking skills, perhaps that number could feasibly be reduced to 300.

Loan sharks. Oh yeah, we’ll need loan sharks. Gamblers always lose, and since most gamblers have finite resources and infinite stupidity, they’ll be running up some serious debts, and that’s where loan sharks come in.

And not just loan sharks. Ancillary positions include enforcers, who will need to beat the crap out of those unwilling and unable to repay their loan sharks; pawn brokers, who will need to set up shop and sell the goods stolen from homes in order to pay off the loan sharks; private detectives, a slew of which will be hired by spouses of gamblers to document their thievery, cheating, and soliciting of hookers; paramedics, more of which will be required to stitch the faces and set the limbs of those pummeled by the enforcers hired by the loan sharks; and hookers, who will – nope, sorry, we’ve covered them

Pickpockets. What’s a casino without a healthy pickpocket contingent? You’ve brought in a breed of people with no regard for financial security – how can we not have pickpockets? And with pickpockets, we can boost employment even further by hiring a few security experts to watch video surveillance cameras and point out potential thieves working the casino.

What’s a casino without crime scene investigators? All fans of the popular CBS show CSI are well aware that casinos are veritable magnets for corpses, and we can’t have bodies dropping like flies without the proper authorities to investigate. A dozen CSI agents should suffice.

Stalkers. Yes, my friends, the sad reality is that casinos attract big-name celebrities, and big-name celebrities attract stalkers. We can’t have Wayne Newton fishing at Number One Pond in Sanford without two dozen stalkers singing “Danke Schoen” to him through bullhorns, now can we? Maine’s legions of out-of-work stalkers would no longer be out of work. It’s kismet.

Have I mentioned hookers? Yes, it appears I have.

But of course: porn peddlers. One of my fondest memories of visiting Las Vegas (ironically dubbed Sin City) for a wedding a couple years ago was being repeatedly accosted by incredibly short men whacking rolled-up porn rags on their arms and then offering them to me, this while my wife and I were walking along the strip in broad daylight with thousands of other tourists. Somebody’s going to have to distribute that stuff; yet another newly created job.

There are more employment opportunities, but I have room but for one more: someone’s going to have to change the roadside signs from Maine: The Way Life Should Be to Maine: Yes, Sir, We Have Hookers.

You know, when you strip yourself of cynicism and see things clearly, the world is a much happier place.

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