What are we waiting for?

If it’s too good to be true, order right away!

Isn’t that the saying? It must be. Because how can I not take advantage of an opportunity to receive a free touchpad tablet computer complete with Android software? I would have to be a barely functional moron to pass up this offer.

It just came in the mail. I know it’s legit because it has those perforated tabs on all sides, like a paycheck, and is difficult to open. But once inside…oh man, are my eyes lighting up. There it is, my wife’s name in all caps, slightly off-center, underneath a cut-and-paste b&w graphic of a touchpad tablet computer (which is how every hipster calls them), below which is written:

In the spirit of the Holiday Season, you WILL RECEIVE a New Touchpad Tablet Computer complete with Android software!

Has it been sent belatedly, this being the tail end of February, a full two months after the traditional holiday season? But no. How can I be so cynical? Clearly, it’s being sent 10 months early. Should these people be scoffed at for being conscientious with their mailings?

And who exactly are “these people”? That’s part of the allure of this deal: nowhere on the letter is a company or individual named, nor is there a mailing or email address, or even a website. Going old school 1990s, these go-getters have supplied simply an 800 number (which is toll free, so really, there’s no risk at all). How mysterious is that? I suppose the only way to find out more is…I don’t know….I guess to call the toll free number Monday through Friday between 9 a.m. and 10 p.m. or Saturday and Sunday between 9 a.m. and 6 p.m. I’ll assume that’s Eastern Standard Time, because even though that information is not provided, I see the pre-printed first class mail U.S. postage mark indicates its origin as being West Palm Beach, Florida. (Call me Sherlock.) Well, if there’s one town in America that serves as a model of integrity, it’s West Palm Beach, Florida. My intrigue continues unabated.

Included in the mailing is what appears to be a coupon or voucher or…or maybe a cashier’s check? No, wait…printed on the lower left corner are the words: Sample. Not Redeemable for Cash. Damn. I was considering going to my bank today and presenting it to the teller for payment without a trace of irony.

But wait, what’s this on the back of this coupon-type device? Words. A bunch of words in microscopic print. Let’s break out the old microscope and take a gander.

Blah blah blah, no obligation to purchase, blah blah blah, not sponsored or affiliated with Android, blah blah blah, this offer is being used in conjunction with a vacation promotion, blah blah — OH SHIT!

Well, this is new. Grab my attention with a free toy and then make me call about a vacation promotion? How crass and underhanded. Unless…

…unless maybe, just maybe, this could be an opportunity to get in on a time-share. How awesome would that be?

About Admin

Dana Pearson is a writer living in Kennebunk, Maine.
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